A Letter to Lord Nasher
by Sticksie
Summary: This is a two part letter. The first is from Sir Nevalle to his beloved Lord Nasher and the response from the Neverwinter Council.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note: This is just a humorous one-shot between Swimhard and myself, we got goofy one day! She started it!! (Swim is the first letter, mine is the second)_

Day 63 –

My Lord Nasher –

Progress on renovating the Keep is making headway. Master Veedle and his workers were a fine investment: the Keep itself has been rebuilt, along with the store and the smithy and the church. A tower for the Neverwinter Nine is being constructed as I write; I must thank Carianna for that. We may need more funds if Grobnar continues his experiments in the basement however; his construct got loose the other day and destroyed the workbenches. Again.

Alliances are progressing as well. After sending Carianna up a mountain to negotiate with fire giants and a large, red dragon, whose name I am unable to decipher from the barrage of Elvish Sand threw at me after returning, Carianna was able to secure an alliance with clan Ironfist. A rough translation from the druid reveals multiple elven curse-words in what Sand shouted at me, but I'm fairly sure that's not the dragon's name.

As for recruits for the Keep: we have Katriona, Casavir's second-in-command from his time in Old Owl Well. She keeps the Greycloaks pretty busy, they're training from dawn until dusk and are getting stronger by the day. Can't complain about that.

Carianna's second sergeant, Light of Heavens, frankly scares me. She sparred with me the other day, and truthfully, I'm not sure how I'm able to walk right now. She's good with patrols and with special missions…I'm sure she can just growl at bandits and they'd run away.

Carianna's old childhood friend Bevil is now at the Keep too. He's really very good with patrols, the only drawback being that if he sees her he turns into a bumbling idiot. Actually, that happens with many of the male Greycloaks…I must talk to her about her wardrobe choices.

That brings me to the main reason I'm writing you twice in one week: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE. I don't care if Carianna's the Knight Captain, she and her companions drive me CRAZY! It wouldn't be so bad if they were, oh I don't know…_well adjusted_, but Nasher, please! I literally walked in on Carianna and that ranger Bishop (who's from Luskan, by the way) doing, doing, _things_ on my desk that should be kept in the bedroom! AGAIN! And they broke my favorite quill and inkbottle.

It wouldn't be so bad if everyone didn't feed off of each other. Carianna and that other rogue Lana have done nothing but get into mischief since I arrived. In the last thirty days I've had my underwear strung up the flagpole, my desk defiled, a bucket of water dumped on my head (thank the ranger and the paladin for that one, I didn't know Casavir had a sense of humor), I've been thrown up on (apparently the gnome can't hold his liquor) and worst of all, Carianna seems to think it's okay to flirt with me in front of the crazy ranger! I don't want Bishop on my tail! I'm not _even_ going to get _into _how my private stash of sherry ended up in the tiefling's hands.

What _really_ scares me is now Carianna and the warlock, Ammon Jerro, are becoming close. The LAST thing I need is something to be summoned into my bed at night! Well, scratch that if it's a succubus, but you know what I mean! I don't want to even THINK about what those two, plus Bishop and Lana and now Casavir, would think up if left to their own devices.

I don't mind Sand either, but I think he knows more about what's going on here than he appears to. I think he's making a killing on his contraceptive potions, but he's not telling me anything. The dwarf and the gith aren't bad either, but the druid and the sorceress drive me nuts.

So, in conclusion: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE, or get Lana and Carianna out of here instead! Or Bishop and Casavir, just…help!

Warmest regards, my dearest love,

Sincerely yours,

Sir Nevalle, Captain of the Neverwinter Nine


	2. Chapter 2

From the Desk of His Grace, Lord Nasher

Greetings Sir Nevalle,

We would to extend our deepest gratitude regarding your labors concerning Crossroad Keep. Please know that you have the thanks of your King. It is deeply satisfying to know that we will soon have another Keep to make money (stricken) serving the kingdom. The part you play in this important duty will not be forgotten.

We are sorry to inform you that no future funds are available at this time. The funds you requested have already been set aside for the buffing and polishing of your sovereign king's shining head. Appearances must be kept for the good of the kingdom. Again, our deepest regret that our coffers are unable to serve you in this capacity. If you would like to resubmit your request, please send a handwritten note using green ink on pink paper in triplicate. We also regret to inform you that you may no longer submit receipts for haircare products. This a personal item and cannot be charged to the Greycloaks account.

His high holy grace is pleased to have the service of such a powerful being as Light of Heaven under him. Lord Nasher has requested her presence in his personal chambers as soon as may be arranged. Growling female Aasimar's delight Lord Nasher immensely. A private interview would bring great satisfaction to your king.

Please do not advise Lady Carianna to alter her wardrobe choices. The moral of the Greycloaks is solely dependant upon Lady Carianna's appearance. Without her, the Greycloaks would be limp and lifeless. Sir Nevalle, we must remind you that one of your greatest responsibilities is to the men serving under you and Lady Carianna. She knows her duty, please do yours.

We deeply regret the loss of your quill and inkbottle. Our sympathies are with you during your time of great sorrow.

Be advised that no action for the removal of Lady Carianna or Lady Lana from service at Crossroads Keep will be made. We cannot have them returning to the palace. We are deeply pained for your desk, but it is obvious you were not been present after they left. The horses still shy and stamp whenever they see a whip. The palace shepherds were not able to remove the lewd and suggestive phrases graffitied on the king's flocks. We are still mystified at meanings of such phrases as "Kilroy Was Here" and "Bite Me"

It is also our duty to inform you that we are aware of the presence of the Luskan ranger. It has been determined by this council to ignore his smarmy presence because of an overwhelming female vote. His wolfish eyes and manly stubble make them hot!! (stricken).

Be advised in the matter concening Casavir's humor. The council is painfully aware of his humor as many of the knights present have fallen victim to his secretly casting of Burning Hands to their loincloths while wearing full plate.

Please note our agreement in the matter concerning the warlock Ammon Jerro and his affections toward Lady Carianna. We believe this to be as uncomfortable as finding canned meat in our hosiery. Our deepest sympathies are extended to you.

Our Thanks,

The Council of Neverwinter

PS: Lord Nasher has asked us to convey the necessity for the removable of your aforementioned under clothing. It has come to Lord Nasher's attention the fabric of your undergarments has his likeness upon them. Instructions have been sent to Mistress Qara for the immediate cessation of their usage. She is to burn any and all of these items whether you are in them or not. Lord Nasher wishes to convey to you that his royal face should be nowhere near your royal pain in the a..

As always, The Council


End file.
